He he he helloo...

Hi guys...
I actually posted one post this year but i decide to deleted it. So it gone.
I graduated already, my thesis is done. I'm free. Haha no i'm kidding.... I have lots of bill to pay, also adult's responsibility to fulfill. I'll turn 23 yo next month, i know i'm old.
Things are.... fine? Better?



I wasn't going to graduate (again) this early year, and it totally blew everything off including my confidence. I was depressed, i literally didn't go anywhere for the whole 3 months. I don't have the courage to meet people, even my friends. It's totally exhausted. I decide to reach out to my friend, some of them not really helpful but what could i expected? They are human, they just being human. So i went to Nalin Eonni and she totally help me out, she lay down all of the problem and ask me what i really want to change first. I just glad i have someone like her in my life. Some of my friends also being helpful by just being there, accepting me. I also get a new job, i'm back teaching again, it's actually felt so good. To meet people, to just being outside. I was so scared to begin again.
I was getting better before that all happened. But, i don't think i really did get better. I think i was just trying to seems to get better in front of people. I'm transforming, lol that word is totally making me laugh. Yeah, i became someone i don't really know? Someone who isn't even me? But someone that society set as "good people". But suddenly, i was too good to do something bad? Something stupid that they could decide i shouldn't be doing that. I guess that is one of the reason of my depression. I couldn't reach out to my family about this, because they are literally one of the reason. I'm not ready to be judged as someone that is so religious.
Because I'm not. I just trying to be a better person for myself. But people decide i did that for them.
I was saving myself to not drowning, but someone stole the boat so I'm gone. So i lost myself
I'm crawling, but I'm trying. I will get there. I promise.
I lost myself, and i hope i could find the real me, not the better me.
When i was writing this i talked to my sister about half of my problem, and she went through a lot anyway like a lot so every advices from her i hold by my heart. She told me that happiness is coming from yourself, you have to be selfish-in-a-good-way-person so you can get that and stop thinking about what people think of you, if it's not going to matter in years then it never matter. Because you can't make other people happy before you make yourself happy. It's simple, it's not a poetic word and such, but the sincere-ness in the concept is what making it more special because she went thru that. She applies it in her life, and it working.
For me it's a long working progress, as i said I'm crawling, but i'm trying and I will get there.
The first thing i need to do: Using pants again in the near future. ^^