Prioritize

Wonder

 I've always wanted to be someone's number one, their priority, their sole reason to keep on living, but then today I wonder, why?
Why I need to be it so bad?
Why can't I simply be the person that makes myself the number one?
Why I need other person?

I have a lot of question, so much that it feels suffocated.
I need to see my therapist soon

Nagoya!

It's been so long, since the last time i posted new post.
2 years to be exact, right? And I've been stuck on writing new piece. It's sad but i gotta keep on going. So I googled a writing challenges or so and found this image above.

And im going to start from day one! Which is "The furthest away from home you have been."

So the furthest away I've been from home is, Nagoya. 5,593 km away to be exact.
I went to Nagoya on February 2017, on holiday, alone.
If i have to describe Nagoya with one word I would use the word calm, because the city is indeed calming and so quiet. I love the place but since I'm a city girl I just couldn't picture myself living my whole life there.
So the reason I went there was, because I'm on budget holiday and I need free place to sleep, lol. Fortunately my cousin live and work there so free place and free food! Yay! Lucky me!!

Tried the local kebab? Because the halal gurl need halal food, lol (and that on my cousin being the religious person he is). Went to local shrine, give some birds some food, and thinking if my people from country living there, they would build a public restroom there. Went to museum, see ninja! Beautiful skies, bought some perfumes, merchandises, and snacks!!!

And I commute to other cities everyday by shinkansen from there. Can you imagine that? That is the most productive I've ever had in my life. So I always back quite late, like 9 to 10 pm, and of course i'm walking from the station to their apartment, it takes 20-30 minutes on my Indonesian feet, but when I said Japanese people walk super fast, they are!

On my way back to the apartment there is this park, and there are a few little shrines, and I always every time i walked pass it I think will sadako suddenly pop up from nowhere? Or would it be the ghosts from my country? And i would run so fast because gurl is scared.

I don't really know what to type more so i guess that's it? I will upload some pictures an videos later on.

Do people think It's okay?

I was an extrovert, or so my friends believe.

They had this opinion in their head that I was a leader, an outgoing person.
They used to at least.
They thought I was an extrovert, going out all night.
But the truth is, I thought I never was an extrovert.
They think I;m a morning person,
Because I woke in fckng early morning
But I'm not. I woke up in grumpy state and it stay for a whole life my life, or so I think.
We (them and I) used to think that I'm as bright as that sun, cheerful and all
But I don't think so, when the blue hits
It is as dark as my half of my wardrobe's color, black.
They had this opinion that I wear cute clothes and being feminine
But the truth is, half of my wardrobe looks like I'm going to a fucking funeral
Because I am, to my own.
They think I eat a lot, like a lot.
But I'm not.
The truth is, two full spoon fill me up

And now I think, It is okay for them to have these all mess up opinion on me?
Half of what they used to think is, well yeah right.

I Stopped Writing

But did I really?

No. That is the answer of the biggest question of the year. At least in my very own life.
If people think, that I stopped writing. No, I don;t. I still am, and will always.

I writes lot of poems, simple short short story.
I also had a lot of ideas that I wanted and so eager to write, but I don;t.
Because, the current media is so cruel and terrifying that I'm afraid to just laying out my own thought.

I'm not always disagree with common mass opinion, but when I do; people think I'm selfish and intolerant.

People think that I stopped writing, because I do make them think that I did.
I stopped writing.
I also stopped being that class clown.
I stopped making jokes, put up the freaking wall, not let anyone in.
It's hard to be in the society where I can't even trust any of them.
Or it is just my insecurity fooling me?
Maybe it is, maybe it is not.
But who cares?
About me, no one.
That is pretty much why people and I end up thinking that I stopped writing.

Kamu yang terlalu asing, dan aku yang terlalu banyak tau.

            Sewaktu aku jatuh cinta, pada tempat yang begitu ingin kau tinggalkan. Kita bertemu di waktu dan tempat yang tidak tepat. Kita berpegangan pada harapan bahwa salah satu diantara kita akan berubah pikiran. Sewaktu aku mencoba untuk tinggal, kau berkeras untuk pergi. Mungkin tak seharusnya kau dan aku menjadi kita.

            “Aku ingin memulai kisah baru.”

            “Aku juga.”

            Kebahagian itu dimulai dari diri kita. Meskipun kita harus berubah menjadi seorang yang egois. Tapi hanya diri sendiri yang mampu memperjuangkan kebahagian ini.

            “Kamu terlalu asing untuk kota ini, dan aku cukup dan terlalu banyak tau tentang kota ini.”

            “Lain waktu?”

            “Lain tempat. Saat kau dan aku sama-sama seorang turis.”

            “Yang tidak punya memori akan tempat itu?”

            “Yang baru sama-sama memulai kisah.”

            Untuk saat ini kita menunda kita untuk kita di lain waktu. Kita yang mungkin lebih bahagia. Kita yang sudah lelah untuk egois. Kita yang akan tinggal, dan menetap.